The Colbert Questionert
I’m doing this because my friend Z did it (and she did it because Conan O’Brien did it, so come jump off a bridge with us all):
- What’s the best sandwich? Large turkey with everything, on Dutch crunch, with oil and vinegar, from the deli I used to get a sandwich from on my way home nearly every school day of my high school timeline. I will never find a better sandwich than that, because nothing tastes better than nostalgia.
- What was the first concert you attended? David Bowie (with Peter Frampton on guitar), with opening band X, so that’s a pretty solid lineup there, right? It was the Glass Spider Tour, which was kind of a critical flop, but I enjoyed myself, so there you go. I am both a scary monster and a super creep.
- What is the scariest animal? A chimpanzee carrying a switchblade. Chimps are scary enough as it is: first they’ll tear off your genitals, and then chew off your hands and face. But give a chimp a switchblade and not only will you lose your junk and hands and face, but they’ll give you a good stabbing just to send a message. No bueno.
- Apples or oranges? I mean, how can you compare them, really? But oranges.
- Have you ever asked someone for their autograph? In my youth I asked the illustrator Dave Stevens (creator of The Rocketeer) for his, and then he ended up dying. I don’t know if these things are related, but I don’t ask for more autographs now, I’m cases I’ve got one very specific and weird superpower.
- What do you think happens when we die? Well, we have a compost bucket in our stately manor. I think what happens when we die is very much what happens in our compost bucket. Matter of fact, just put me in there when I die. Make things easy.
- Favorite action movie? Die Hard, obviously. Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker.
- Window or aisle? Window, please. Not to look out of, but to sleep against. Also, I hate flying. Flying is the worst. Do not @ me.
- Favorite smell? Frying bacon. Alternately, I suppose, frying people. Again, do not @ me.
- Least favorite smell? So far, the worst smell I’ve ever smelled was rotting liquified pig pieces left in a garbage can by the previous farming owners of our current home. That was… exciting?
- What is your earliest memory? Smearing poo on the wall my crib was up against as a small Sebastian. Yes, I’ve been an artist for a very long time.
- Cats or dogs? Used to be cats, but then our GOAT cats both died, and we’ve moved on to the GOAT dog, so…
- You get one song to listen to for the rest of your life: what is it? “Fairytale of New York” by The Pogues. Easiest question of all time. Not even a contest.
- What number am I thinking of? One, as it is the loneliest number.
- Describe the rest of your life in 5 words. What could possibly go wrong?
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